Wednesday Briefs #11 The Hollow: Soul Seekers

JC Wallace copyright 2014

 

 

 

When his mother finally spoke, her words just drove the asshole point home even further.

“I’m just so tired,” his mother confessed. “Ever since he was little…he’s draining me. It’s always something with him. When will it end?”

“Let me talk to him,” Logan said and then it was silent for a moment. Levi wondered if Logan was hugging his mother, trying to comfort her.

Levi laid his head onto the pillow. When Logan entered the room, Levi closed his eyes.

I need to pee so badly!

When he didn’t sense Logan near, Levi peaked out of one eye. Logan grabbed the chair at his desk and swung it around to the side of the bed. When Logan glanced in his direction, Levi shut the eye, even let out a little snore and waited.

“I know you’re awake. You may fool Mom but I ain’t buying it.”

Levi sighed and opened his eyes. Logan straddled the chair, which he’d set down backwards. He rested his forearms over the back of the chair, his ball cap swinging casually in his hands. His mouth curved into a mischievous smile. He still wore his work clothes – plaid flannel shirt, blue down vest. His faded jeans and work boots were caked with dried mud. Every inch the Adirondack man. His attire spoke to just how upset their mother had truly had been. Normally, Logan wouldn’t have made it past the back porch with those dirty clothes much less the boots.

“Hey, Crash.”

“Ugh.” Levi moaned and wrinkled his nose at the long forgotten nickname Logan had given Levi after he’d broken his leg when he was younger. It had stuck like superglue for over a year.  The wry smile on Logan’s face told him it was going to stick again.

“So a broken rib, huh?” Logan asked.

Levi nodded his head. “Yup.”

Pulling at a stray thread on his comforter, Levi intentionally avoided looking directly at Logan. The world’s most uncomfortable silence ever filled the space between them. Biting hard into the side of his cheek distracted him further as he waited for it.

“You know mom and dad are really worried about you.”

There it was.

Levi snorted. “Dad worried about me? Yeah, I don't see it.”

Logan sighed and looked down as if studying his hat. “I can see it in his face, Levi. He may not say it, but he looks…sad.”

The words Dad and sad in the same sentence were an oxymoron.

“And Mom—”

Levi cut Logan off. “I heard Mom. She's tired of me,” he spat, folding his arms over his chest.

 “That's not true. All he said is that she’s tired.” Logan had always played the peacemaker between Levi and their parents.

“Same difference,” Levi said, staring straight ahead stubbornly.

“She was crying. Don't you even care?” he asked in sheer exasperation.

Like any normal person, Levi really wanted to care. What kind of a person wouldn’t be distressed knowing they’d made their mother cry? Only someone who was dead inside, someone who lacked the ability to feel on a deeper level, someone like Levi. Yes, he was bothered that his mother had been crying, but it bordered more on annoyance than anything else.

“She always treats me like a baby,” he said defending himself.

Logan had stopped twirling his hat about in his fingers. The hard lines of his mouth and jaw, the furrow in his brow, his cold hard stare, told Levi that Logan was either too enraged to speak or debating if he should say anything further.

“You know Levi sometimes you can be such a brat.” He'd muttered it but Levi had heard it all the same.

“Well, we all can't be as perfect as you, Logan,” he replied, trying to volley the hurt from Logan’s statement but, truthfully, it was the last thing he’d wanted to do.

Damn, they were acting as if they were kids again.

 “Yeah, I never get tired of hearing that.”

The crestfallen look on Logan’s face and defeated tone told Levi that he’d hit his mark and he hated that he’d gone there. Weariness dulled Logan’s eyes to a grayish-blue color. It was far from weariness due to a lack of sleep. It was the weariness from realizing that the long hard battle you’d been fiercely fighting is an act futility.

Levi cringed. What was he doing pushing Logan away? Guilt stabbed into his chest. And then the pressure, was back, rapidly filling his skull.

Logan had closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Levi either had to get Logan out of his room or get himself out. Bathroom! Flinging the covers off, Levi bolted to a sitting position, fighting stop his cry of pain.

His movement brought Logan to his feet. “Where’re you going?”

“Bathroom. I can do it myself,” Levi snapped, when Logan reached out to touch him.

Just as in class earlier, the force continued to rise in his brain, squeezing nerves to the point of screaming. He willed himself to rise. Successfully pushing off the bed, he could only stumble due to the competing searing pains in his side and in his head. He slammed into his desk, gripping the edge to remain upright.

“Are you okay?” Logan jumped to his side, his hand on Levi’s shoulder.

Levi clenched his teeth so tight he expected them to shatter into pieces. Air hissed through his teeth as he tried to breathe through the never-ending pain. Lowering his head, he tightened every muscle searching for the power to overcome the force that was working to destroy his mind.

“Is it another panic attack?”

Levi shook his head. That’s when he saw something out of his window – the a large man standing beneath the streetlight across the road.  Dressed in a black sweatshirt with the hood pulled low over his face Levi could swear he looked right at Levi.

“Is it your ribs?” Logan asked, bending to see Levi’s face.

Another wave of pain shuddered through Levi as he clamped his eyes shut and dug his fingernails into his scalp. Tendrils of pain whipped around his brain. A warm rush washed down his legs.

“What do you want me to do? Logan asked, frantically searching for any kind of answer. “Do you want me to get Mom?”

Levi grabbed Logan’s wrist, unable to reply, muted from his battle to save his sanity. What kind of demon had his mind created to assault him so ruthlessly? And how long before it took over completely?

Weakness invaded Levi’s legs and he wavered a bit.

“I got ya.” Logan wrapped an arm around Levi. The pressure was melting away to a dull throbbing ache, returning the attention to his screaming ribs. Ironically, the searing burn meant the pain in his head was dissipating. Looking out of the window the figure had vanished - if it had even truly been there.

“Let’s get you back to bed,” Logan whispered, guiding Levi.

That’s when Levi felt the wetness of his sweatpants and the awful realization that he’d pissed himself. A dark wet stain covered the front of his sweats. Even his socks were wet.

“Fuck, I pissed myself!” he exclaimed in disbelief.

“You what?” Logan looked down at the front of Levi’s pants and for a minute was flustered.

“I don’t know what happened. I didn’t mean…” he cried, tears quickly flooding over his eyes.

Logan shook off his bewilderment. “Hey, it’s no big deal. I’ll get you some dry clothes. Here, sit in the chair” Logan said.

Suddenly, as if a bucket of icy cold water had been dumped over him, Levi was submerged within a cesspool of overwhelming sorrow, immersed in a swelling sea of grief—heartache...sadness...loss...misery. The swirling anguish overtook his senses. No longer was he a hollow, empty shell, but overflowing with the sadness and agony of a million tormented souls. A never-ending despair reached deep, twisting and turning his heart, scratching at his insides with raw and icy claws. Pure hopelessness ripped through his mind.

“Oh, God, Logan!” Levi cried as Logan set him onto the chair. “I…I c-can’t do this anymore!” Large sobs wracked Levi’s body. Tears streamed from his cheeks onto his already wet sweatpants. He grabbed Logan by both arms, frantically searching his brother’s face for comfort, reassurance.

Logan crouched in front of Levi who threw his arms around Logan in one desperate motion, crushing against him.  The desolation and misery were mind numbing, and crushed Levi’s will to exist.

Logan pulled him close. “Hey, Levi, it’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.” His reassurance fell on deaf ears.

“Logan, I’m an awful person. I don’t deserve you or Mom or Dad. You’re right I’m a selfish brat,” he managed between sobs. “I only care about myself. Please don’t hate me for ruining your life. I’m cursed and only cause everyone pain and suffering.”

Levi squeezed his eyes tight, witnessing the grey barren plane of his existence— Oh God—the sadness, the utter hopelessness. Millennia of desperation rotting inside of him while hundreds of ghostly claws descended on his body, ripping huge gashes into his skin, digging into muscles and ligaments, gouging at his eyes, ripping out the protective bones of his chest, devouring his heart. 

Only one way to stop the pain. End it now.

 

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